If You're Not The One
by Lucy H
Summary: Joey thinks about his feelings for Rachel as the holidays approach. [oneshot]


If You're Not The One

_DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters (owned by Warner Bros, BKC Productions, and NBC), the plot (owned by the same people), or the song (owned by Daniel Beddingfield). Song lyrics are in italics._

_Oh yeah, and did you hear that:_

'F.R.I.E.N.D.S.' IS STAYING ON FOR SEASON 10!

_If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?_

_If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?_

_If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?_

_If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?_

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I'd never in all my life dreamt that I could feel this way. She's my friend, my ex-roommate, and my best friend's ex. She's got a little baby with my best friend. She's "off-limits". And yet I'm madly in love with her. I'm so in love with her that I would risk anything if only she would feel the same way. Anything but losing Ross' friendship. Ross' friendship is more important than my feelings for Rachel. Sure, I'm in love with Rachel, but I love Ross too. Not in the same way, obviously, but he's one of my closest friends; I can tell him anything. Except this. When I told him, he was so good about it. He told me to tell Rachel, but now? Now, what would he do? When I accidentally proposed, he was so mad. I have never seen him so angry. And our friendship hasn't been the same since. Okay, maybe he didn't realise that I was still in love with Rachel when I did it, but he knew that I took his ring, got down upon one knee, and waited for the mother of his child to say 'okay'. And, even from my point of view, that does look bad. But even though it hurt Ross, it hurt me too. Is Ross in love with Rachel? Sure, Phoebe told me that he was going to go and ask if Rachel wanted to 'start things up again', but… does he love Rachel like _I_ love Rachel? And does Rachel love Ross? But the more important question is: does Rachel love _me_?

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_I never know what the future brings_

_But I know you are here with me now_

_We'll make it through_

_And I hope you are the one I share my life with___

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If Rachel loved me… I would take her in my arms and never let her go. I would treat her right, of course. We'd take things slowly – I would have a proper relationship with her. With Rachel, it would not be about sex. What I feel for Rachel is not based on how she looks. Sure, she's hot, but that would just be a crush – liking someone for how they look. I don't simply 'like' Rachel. And it's not because of how she looks. She's beautiful, gorgeous, a goddess. But no… I love her for her personality; she's so sweet, loving, giving, generous… and since she's been pregnant and a mother, these feelings are stronger than ever. I love her 'caring' side. I love the fact that she can be so motherly towards Emma and still be the same Rachel. I find her more wonderful than ever since Emma arrived.

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_I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand_

_If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?_

_Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?_

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I love her caring side so much that I would not care that I would never come first with Rachel. I know that Emma is always first now. That's understandable. And I know that I would find that hard, but that I would manage. I even understand that Ross might come before me – after all, there is the history, and he is Emma's father. I would feel the same. But if I had children with Rachel, I would be the same rank as Ross. And, if she would let me, I _would_ have children with Rachel. I've always wanted children – just not until I find the right woman. I would hate to have a girl with whom I'd had a one-night-stand to turn up and tell me that she was pregnant. I'd hate that. But with the right woman – Rachel – once I was married, then I'd love to have children. Four, maybe five children – as well as Emma, of course. And I'd never try and butt in, pretending to be Emma's dad. That's Ross, and he deserves it.

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_If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?_

_If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?_

_If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?_

_If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?_

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It physically hurts me when I hear Monica predicting that Ross and Rachel will get back together. I know that she'd never hurt me for the world, no more than I'd hurt her, but I'm sure she thinks that my feelings have disappeared. Not these feelings; they're too strong to ever go away. Maybe, one day, I'll learn to cope with them, but they will always be there. And it will always hurt to see Rachel – whether she's alone or whether she's with Ross – and know that she's not mine. I hate that everyone thinks that just because Rachel and Ross have a child together, they should be together. But I know that if I did not love Rachel, I would think the same. Love can do strange things to you. I'm sorry for ever laughing at Gunther. I should have sympathised with him, because this hurts so much. There is no pain equal to it in the entire world. How they can say that love is wonderful is beyond me. Maybe two-way love is, but this is unrequited love.

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_I don't know why you're so far away_

_But I know that this much is true_

_We'll make it through_

_And I hope you are the one I share my life with_

_And I wish that you could be the one I die with_

_And I pray in you're the one I build my home with_

_I hope I love you all my life_

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No one whom I have loved has ever loved me back. I have taken other people's hearts and stamped on them, smeared them all over my bedposts, so to speak. Why did I ever do that? Why did I hide behind meaningless sex? All it did was hurt others, and prolong my misery. I'm still doing it; it's almost a habit now. But I would break it in a moment for someone to love me back. I always thought it was women – and Chandler and Ross – who dreamt of perfect weddings, counted how many children that they'd have, dreamt of lying in bed with a woman of a morning, with children running in, grabbing the newspaper… not the science section, the comics, sports, perhaps.

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_I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand_

_If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?_

_Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?___

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My ideal Christmas present this year isn't subscription to 'playboy' or anything as stupid as that. I want the woman I love to love me back. It's silly, sure, it's irrational, and if she did, I know that it would hurt Ross. I don't want Ross to be hurt, but I don't know how much longer I can carry this burden around with me. Each day it gets heavier, and I feel like I'm drowning under the weight of it. Phoebe once told me that it was great to see me like this. She's right; I am doing my penance for treating women as I have in the past. But – oh, surely I've done enough now. Just let me have Rachel. Please!I'm not much of the praying sort any more, although when I was a kid, I was a good little Catholic boy, went to church every Sunday with mama, but now I don't know how to pray. And I wouldn't know how to ask for this. If I still believed in Santa, then I'd write a letter to him, explaining everything, and asking for Rachel. But a fake guy in a red suit can't help me any more. No one can help – except one woman. One wonderful woman could help me, and she doesn't know it.

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_'Cause I miss you body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away_

_And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today_

_'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right_

_And though I can't be with you tonight_

_You know my heart is by your side_

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I suppose, at the back of my mind, I know that it's not going to happen, but I'm going to continue to hope for it. If I haven't hope, then what have I? Because if I'm not hoping, then I might as well write my suicide note now. The hope I'm hanging onto now is that surely, if Rachel and I were not meant to be together, then surely, surely, I wouldn't feel so badly and hurt so much. Surely something as strong as this cannot be for nothing.

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_I don't want to run away but I can't take it,_

_I don't understand_

_If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?_

_Is there any way I can stay in your arms?_


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